Recently, well this weekend, my niece Samantha has come to live with us five days a week. Spending the weekends with my brother, her dad. Her life has been full of hardship and trying to explain her circumstances would be a lengthy and exhausting task. But I can give you some background to give you an idea. She will be 16 in January, divorced parents-fighting all the time, father remarried, not a lot of money(my brother is moving in with my parents), oldest girl who's been in charge of younger siblings, and has little to no supervision-she does what she wants.
I am telling all of you about her because I really want this time she spends with us to be an opportunity. An opportunity for us to be good examples, to show her love and how families should be, give her hope, stability, and hopefully to let her turn a corner into some new perspective, to be happier. I can't help but get a little emotional talking about her. I love her so much and have worried about her often the past few years, almost as if she were my daughter. I know what it's like to be a wayward child, making some stupid choices that have the capability of changing the whole outcome of your adult life.
I want her to enjoy life but not in the wrong way. I almost want her to be able to look back and think that the time she spent in our home was life changing for the better. That we maybe helped her get back on track.
Making a difference seems so difficult and like it can't be accomplished. It almost makes you feel you can't make a difference. I have felt this way for years because I always felt I never had enough time I spent with her to make the difference. But I have more hope than is probably realistic.
I have already thought of a few ways to accomplish my task at hand, family home evenings, much more devoted prayer, and simply love. Tell me, do any of you have ideas or advice when it comes to teenagers that need a little course correction? I could really use hearing your advice and thoughts.
The Six "Be's"- Gordon B. Hinckley
Monday, September 24, 2007
Making a difference in a teenagers life.
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5 comments:
What a great thing for both you and Samantha, Mary! I just started working evenings at Sylvan working with high school kids who have either quit going to school or who are unable to progress in the school environment. I was TERRIFIED at first. I am starting to realize that teens just want to be noticed. The worse they rebel, the more attention they want. I remember that as a teen I desperately wanted to be an adult. Maybe you could find things to do with her that you like to do that are good things that won't compromise her character. With the kids I work with, I finally just got very direct with them concerning rules. I tell them when they arrive that I care about them, I am going to help them to find confidence in doing work competently, and then I tell them I will be collecting cell phones, electronics, etc., that NO negativity will be allowed--spoken or otherwise, and language will stay clean and proper so we can understand each other. We even had them sign contracts THEY helped form concerning responsibilities and rewards. I was surprised at how receptive they were and how grateful they were to actually have some helpful direction in their lives. You, as a mother of little girls now but having been a 16 year old girl have such valuable insight as to which paths will be more helpful to her in her life. Maybe just go right from the young women's program, sit down with her and write down what she wants in her life. Then keep breaking it down to what she can do each year, 6 months, month, week, day. I have noticed teens respond to specific praise very well--"I like how you were so responsible with tending to the needs of the baby by holding her and talking to her." "It is so wonderful that you were able to figure out that algebra equation using deductive reasoning." I'm sure you will do a lot of great things, Mary. You are a wonderful role model and I know that Samantha will feel the love you have for her and that is the most important element to have!
Ok...first, that is a HUGE thing for you to do, and don't underestimate what a wonderful thing you are doing! Next, I think asking for advice is the first step to being prepared for this. This can be a lot of fun for the both of you, and it can also be extremely beneficial for the both of you. Samantha is such a sweet girl, and I think this is a great opportunity for her. Going along with what Andrea said about discipline, I am not sure if you have even thought about that, but you and Jess may need to sit down and decide now how you will react to certain situations if and when they come up. She may be so thankful to stay in home such as yours that she may just be perfect. However, if she is anything like the rest of us, she may start pushing limits that you are not ready to deal with. This cannot hurt the great relationship you have with her, but, at the same time, you may have to be a parent instead of the fun aunt at times. Just know in advance how you are going to handle it. Jess needs to be a support system, also. Give her some responsibility like Andrea said, and lots and lots of positive feedback. I am going to try to get my mom to comment on this one, since she just finished raising her 7th teenager!!! I know one thing she will say is a lot of prayer. You have to have the Lord's help with teenagers...they are in a class of their own!!!
This is an amazing, wonderful thing that you and Jess are doing, Mary! I think the advice you've gotten so far is great. I wish I had some advice, but I'm not quite to the teenage years yet with my oldest. But, like Alisa said, our mom should be able to give you some insight since she's raised seven teenagers and survived in one piece! I know that you and Jess will do a great job and that Samantha is blessed to have an aunt and uncle who are so caring and concerned about her welfare.
I know Sam's really looked up to you guys. I know you guys will be great. She's spent so much time over at your house too. I'm sure the transition won't be as hard if she wasn't so close to you guys and didn't spend so much time over there. What everyone else said it's great advice. Lots of prayers, keep a structure balance of prayer, fhe, and family activities. Be very up front and open with her on what you guys except and rules and so forth. You're not just her aunt and friend now, you're filling the "mom" role too. Don't get hurt feelings when she gets up set with you for the 1st time because she doesn't like how you're disciplining her. It's great you guys are doing this. You've got your whole family to help you too. I'm sure you'll be fine with all their support too.
I love what everyone said and have to echo it! You guys are doing such a great thing for her! Sam is really lucky to have you guys. I don't have any advice, but I would imagine just being in your home is going to be an amazing change for her. You guys have such a great family!
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