Feeling sad...

Maybe this is too personal to share here, but I just had to get it out. Coult and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. It's not that I didn't expect it to take awhile because I had trouble getting pregnant with my first child. But, I guess I thought this time might be different because of the circumstances. After Lily was born and had so many health issues, we just weren't ready to have another baby. Well, a year and a half ago we just kept getting this nagging feeling that our family wasn't finished. We were terrified to get pregnant though because of what has happened with Lily. There is a 25% chance that our next baby would inherit the same genetic condition as Lily. We have been fortunate that Lily has a milder case of her syndrome, but we have been advised by her genetics counselor and doctor that if we have another baby and IF that baby has the same thing, there is no guarantee what it won't have a more severe case. There is a chance of respiratory and renal problems at birth. So far, all of Lily's renal function tests have been normal and her breathing problems at birth weren't severe and they cleared up after a few days. To make things scarier, Lily also has an autism spectrum disorder and having one child on the spectrum increases the odds of having another one with autism. Now it's not that I think Lily's life is bad or anything. Looking back, she has made tremendous progress, but it was very hard mentally for Coult and I to think about going through all that again. So, after trying to ignore these promptings for a few months, we decided to fast and pray about whether we should have another baby. During this time, we also decided to think about adopting. Well, our answer was to pursue both avenues. So, when I stopped b/c, we felt like we were jumping off a cliff and were praying that our parachutes would open. For some reason, I thought that since we were able to let go and leave this in the Lord's hands, that he would send us a baby pretty quickly. But, that hasn't happened. I'm afraid to pray for a baby because I know the Lord knows what I can handle. I don't want to pray for something that isn't in our family's best interests. I keep adding "Thy will be done" to my prayers about it. I took my first round of clomid this past month and this morning I found out that I'm not pregnant--again. It's really starting to get to me. It seems like every woman in our ward is pregnant, but whatever's in the water isn't working for me. I get so jealous of the women who have babies every two years like clock-work. I know I've been down this road in the past and that should make it easier, but it just doesn't. I know that someone else in our group (Allison I think?) has dealt with infertility. It's just one of those things that makes you feel like a failure as a woman. I know I should be grateful for the two beautiful girls that I already have, but I keep wondering why, if we had the promptings about having another baby, why hasn't it happened? Is it like Abraham and Isaac? Is the fact that we were willing to have another one despite our fears supposed to be the test but maybe we aren't supposed to have another baby at all? I don't mind adopting, and we haven't given up on that yet, but I'm really sad too about not being able to get pregnant. If you got this far, thanks for reading. I didn't mean to blabber on, but as Alisa can attest, I can get kinda wordy sometimes. Thanks for listening.