Ordinary Miracle

Something to watch during times of struggle.......love all or you!

Merry Christmas!!

I just wanted to tell you wonderful Mom's I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!! Take the time to slow down a bit and enjoy the moment with your kiddos, and hubby's. Most importantly, take some time for yourself to enjoy the wonderful blessings that come this time of year!! You're all wonderful Moms!

Autism Awareness

I hope that I'm doing the right thing by posting this. But, I felt like it was something that needed to be said. I'm not trying to scare anyone. I just think that it's a very important topic, especially for mothers of young children. As most of you know, Lily has been diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. Before Lily was born, the only thing I knew about autism was "Rainman" or stories of children who just sat in a corner all day and flapped their hands and never looked at anyone. I had no idea that those are just a couple of ways that autism can present itself. It is a spectrum disorder, which means that children present symptoms many different ways. Some are at one end of the spectrum and are quite severe and others are mildly affected.

Coult and I knew from the time Lily was just a few months old that something about her was different, but we were always told that we were making a mountain out of a molehill. Even the therapists from Early Intervention told us that since she smiled, she couldn't have autism. We found out later that that is one of the many myths out there about autism.

It turns out that our initial instincts about Lily were correct. At the age of 3, she was diagnosed with pdd-nos, which is a form of high-functioning autism. With autism, early intervention is so important. Getting Lily's diagnosis was actually a relief in some ways because it validated what Coult and I had been thinking for several years. Lily was unable to "connect" with us and it was heartbreaking. She has become better able to "connect" with others as she has gotten older, but there are still clearly deficits in that area. Some days are harder than others, but she continues to improve.

I wish that we had known the early warning signs of autism and maybe we wouldn't have listened to the doctors who told us not to worry so much and we could have gotten help for her and us sooner. Autism can be a very isolating disorder for parents as well at the children affected by it. I wanted to share the early warning signs with all of you so that you can make sure that you keep an eye on your children, just in case. Some pediatricians will ask these questions, but many are so afraid of mentioning the "A" word, that they avoid alerting parents to a potential problem. Of course, even if a baby shows any of these signs, it doesn't mean that they have autism. They need to be evaluated by someone trained in recognizing autism. Again, I'm not trying to scare anyone. I just really feel that getting the word out about autism is so important. Here is an article I found that lists some of the things to watch for:

"Autism Warning Signs

Autism is a spectrum disorder. The symptoms and characteristics of autism can present themselves in a wide variety of combinations, from mild to severe. Although there are many signs, by one year of age, any child who:

* does not point
* does not engage with others
* has little or no eye contact
* does not babble or begin to use words

should be referred to a developmental specialist.

According to the Autism Society of America, many children and adults with autism may make eye contact, show affection, smile and laugh, and demonstrate a variety of other emotions, although in varying degrees. Like other children, they respond to their environment in both positive and negative ways.

Every person with autism is an individual, and like all individuals, has a unique personality and combination of characteristics. People with autism process and respond to information in unique ways. In some cases, aggressive and/or self-injurious behavior may be present. Persons with autism may also exhibit some of the following traits.

* Insistence on sameness; resistance to change
* Difficulty in expressing needs; uses gestures or pointing instead of words
* Repeating words or phrases in place of normal, responsive language
* Laughing, crying, showing distress for reasons not apparent to others
* Prefers to be alone; aloof manner
* Tantrums
* Difficulty in mixing with others
* May not want to cuddle or be cuddled
* Little or no eye contact
* Unresponsive to normal teaching methods
* Sustained odd play
* Spins objects
* Inappropriate attachments to objects
* Apparent over-sensitivity or under-sensitivity to pain
* No real fears of danger
* Noticeable physical over-activity or extreme under-activity
* Uneven gross/fine motor skills
* Not responsive to verbal cues; acts as if deaf although hearing tests in normal range.

There are many myths and misconceptions about autism. Contrary to popular belief, many autistic children do make eye contact; it just may be less or different from a non-autistic child. Many children with autism can develop good functional language and others can develop some type of communication skills, such as sign language or use of pictures. Children do not "outgrow" autism but symptoms may lessen as the child develops and receives treatment."

I encourage all of you to be aware of these signs so that IF you ever feel that there is a problem, you won't hesitate to have your child evaluated. Autism isn't the end of the world, but it isn't something that can/should be ignored either. Regardless of Lily's disorder, I wouldn't change her for anything. We are learning a lot due to autism, such as: Never take anything for granted. When your child says "I love you Mommy!", treasure those words because there are parents out there who never or very rarely hear those precious words. If you see a child misbehaving in public, don't assume it's the result of bad parenting. Maybe the child has autism and the parents are doing the very best they can. I firmly believe that Lily was sent to this earth to our family with this disorder for a reason. I don't think that she is supposed to learn something from it so much as our family is supposed to learn from it. She may never be accountable, but we will be. I hope that we don't let her down.

No more diaper rash...

After 2 years and 2 babies of study, I think I can pretty confidently say that my mother-in-law knows what she is doing when she constantly slathers Desitin on my kiddos booties! For a long time with Tye, it just kindof annoyed me (sorry, Lois!!). But, then I started thinking about it, and I realized that Tye had NEVER had a diaper rash. Well, he had a very small one that popped up one morning after an antibiotic, and was gone by that evening. Tye is now 2, and I continue to try to put Desitin on him periodically. Kenadie is 7 months, and I put Desitin on her, and same thing...never had a diaper rash. It may be coincidence, but I really believe that Desitin is the reason neither one of them had diaper rashes, when I have friends who battle it constantly with their kids. It's worth a try, though, if you have little ones in diapers!

Finding Strength in Personal Struggles

I was very touched by Sara's very candid and open expression of feelings. I know she was one of the VERY few people who showed no negative reactions or rejection toward me when I was in one of the absolute lowest points (emotionwise) in my life. I always thought the only reason was just because of her loving, friendly nature. I never imagined that along with that there was real empathy for what I was feeling.
I hope to maybe put some positive thoughts out there just based on things I have learned personally with struggling with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and depression. (Very briefly....RAD is a psychiatric disorder where the emotional part of your brain lacks electrical impulses connecting to your conscience--basically, without medication I have no real feelings toward OTHER human beings). However, I have certainly always been aware of MY feelings so depression has always been my off and on companion. I learned to cope by "imitating" what other people do affectionately. You say "I love you" I say it too. You smile and give a hug......I smile and give a hug. You tell me about a big problem in your life, I better come up with a bigger one in mine--if there isn't any big problem I could make one up and feel no guilt about lying. I would only feel bad about the rejection I would get when people would get fed up with me due to inability to trust or understand me. What a difference in my life when I was finally convinced by family and friends to get help. I can't believe the change in my feelings when that bridge was gapped with proper medication. I actually feel things in my heart and tummy when I hug my kids or talk with someone I care about.
Why am I telling y'all this? I learned something about emotions in terms of biology. When women are pregnant, the neurological impulses between your emotional center and conscience increase. (I always functioned better pregnant). Hence, we cry at everything, see danger everywhere, want everything perfect...... However, once the baby is born, the process reverses and the body basically spirals into a tailspin until it can rebalance out. It is different in every person. Some of us bounce back right away and the "postpartum depression" doesn't last long. Sometimes it takes months or years for the brain to regulate all the hormones and signals. This is why some people only need medication for a short period of time vs. others who need it longer. Depends on how soon your body starts functioning on a normal basis again. Point being is there are valid reasons for feeling depression or detached. So.....what to do about it?
Well the first step is being honest about how you feel. If you had a stomach bug you wouldn't go into denial and say, "No.....it doesn't really hurt." I feel badly that we all seem to think we need to hide other kinds of pain. There's no way to get better until we are willing to admit there is a problem. After being honest it is important to have support. Not necessarily ADVICE, just support. Our bodies and minds and spirits are unique, we can't tell each other how to get better or do better, just love each other and help that person with what is right for her. I have a close friend here in Ft. Worth and I love her to death because she always says to me, "I love you and I'm here for you." And she is, even if it is just that....simply being there. Some of our best get togethers have been nearly total silence (LOL).
On a spiritual level, I found new meaning in 2 Nephi 4:18-21. I never imagined Nephi being someone who was depressed.....but he was. What got him through? I interpret it in the latter verse, "my God hath been my support...." I think that has been a huge, hard concept for me to grasp. Knowing HOW to let God be my support. There is a great book by Philip A. Harrison called Clean Hands, Pure Heart. It is written by a man who overcame addiction to pornography but it really could apply to any negative thing plaguing us in life. I applied it to my battle with depression and negativity because even with medication I STILL have to find ways to deal with those feelings when they arise. The first two chapters in this book are "Undoing the Lies About God" and then "Undoing the Lies About Ourselves". I recommend every single christian human being read these two chapters. Especially if you struggle to see yourself as being personally loved by God or truly understanding the meaning of having infinite worth. It is a great catalyst for getting yourself thinking about how you really view God (stern disciplinarian ready to punish the first bad behavior, or loving father who understands you completely and waits for your communication on a daily basis, or somewhere in between)? It also helped me see in a different way how Satan works. Not as a stalker whispering dastardly deeds we could do in our ear, but is compared to a gardener of weeds. He takes a handful of seeds and maybe plants one in us and then waits and watches to see if we will pull it out and be rid of it, or cultivate it and let it grow. WE cultivate it and let it grow. Seeds he plants could be "you have no worth", "you are incapable", "you do no good". Sweet girls, throw it out if you start to feel that way! It's hard but even if the only thing that you can remember is that you are someone's daughter, or someone's mom, those two things are infinite. Those are the ONLY two titles no one can ever disclaim or stop being. Divorce can end some titles, we get released from callings, fired from jobs, but you will always be a daughter and a mother. So, there we have established we ARE something and have worth. We all gave birth to children.....that takes A LOT of capabilities to endure pregnancy and labor and delivery. I have seen beautiful children with happy faces on this blog--that isn't something that just happens. There are obviously moms nurturing, tending, and giving time. Our babies love us. They crave our attention and praise. Who cares if every single toy is out? It means your baby learned a lot about their environment and feels safe in exploring.
And finally, those negative nails out there who have all kinds of mothering advice.....find a special way to deal with them that works for you. As a mother of 5 I have encountered comments EVERY single time I venture out with them. I am often surprised how bold people are. I have decided to try to have something to say that will not be rude but will point out ignorance. Some of my favorites from recent outings.......
1. "Are you having any more????"
- Not today!

2."Oh my gosh, you have way too many kids!!!!"
-Please point to which ones you would give away.

3."Don't you know how that happens?"
-Would you mind explaining the details to make sure I've got it?

4."Wow, you have your hands full!"
-Only one, five makes up one hand.

5."You must spend all day chasing people!"
-Better than spending all day BEING chased by people.

6. Yesterday a lady at Kroger's asked me if all those children were mine. After I smiled and told her they were she loudly shouted "DEAR GOD!" My kids all looked at her and I said to them, "Please be reverent and we'll wait and see if this nice lady wants to finish her prayer out loud or in her head."

7. I was TOTALLY excited that Bart finally got some garbage dished up at him. Some jock-guy was commenting at Bart after seeing a picture of the kids in his office and saying, "Wow.....you must have a hard life. Look at you and look at me. I can have all the women and freedom I want because I look good, no kids, and have all my hair. So which one made you lose all your hair?"

Bart's response: "I believe my hair loss occurred during the years of my extensive college education and professional training. I'm not the least bit surprised that you are not missing a single hair."

Love all you ladies, and I hope each one of you knows how important your friendship, thoughts, feelings, accomplishments, and lives are to me!

My struggle...

My postpartum story. A few days ago something in my brain just clicked. A light turned on and I realized that something else had been intoxicating my brain for the last 20 months since my second son's birth. It wasn't something that I ever thought twice about. I just thought I was unhappy about my circumstances, but when I sat and thought about my life I couldn't really figure out what those circumstances were. Everything was exactly the way I thought it should be. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys, a home, the opportunity to be home with my kids everyday, everything I have always wanted. But, I couldn't feel anything anymore. Something had muted my senses. I was numb. Numb to my kids, my husband, my family, my friends, even my faith. My testimony was struggling. I knew my prayers were being answered because I could see the results, but I didn't feel the promptings anymore. I just didn't feel anything. I was absolutely exhausted all of the time, irritable, achy, I couldn't sleep, I felt completely inadequate and worthless, rejected, I couldn't get excited about anything, I started thinking about things in the past and friends that I have had and wondered if they were only my friends because they felt sorry for me or they had to be. I didn't feel like anything I had was real or had ever been real. It was all just people around me trying to be nice and tell me that they liked me. An act. My life felt like a big joke. I would tell people how exhausted I was and they would always reply, of course you are, you are running after two boys. I would politely agree but I knew that that couldn't be the only reason for my lack of energy. I knew I loved my kids but I didn't always like to be around them. That is a really hard thing for me to admit. I feel like I have betrayed them in some way. I had read up on postpartum depression many times. I had a slight case of it after Jacob was born, but it went away quickly, within a few weeks. I have never suffered from depression so I didn't even considered it being a problem for me. It sort of snuck up on me. Once it did it spiraled out of control. As time went on it seemed to get worse rather than better. I cared for my kids, I've never hurt them or have thought I would, but sometimes I just wanted everything to go away. I never told anyone how I really felt. I didn't quite know how to put it into words and didn't think anyone would believe me anyway. I just wanted to hide.

I realize now that I wasn't trying to get away from my family but myself and my feelings (or lack of them). I wish that something would have triggered my brain to remember all that I had read concerning postpartum and it's symptoms. I always felt like the first thing I needed to ask a new mom was how she was feeling - to make sure that she was okay. Here I was suffering and I didn't even realize it. I thought it had been too long to still be considered that. It's an interesting thing to realize that you have been 'gone' for awhile. I wouldn't call it an out of body experience, but I feel like I have missed a lot of things that I could have been really enjoying. I may have been there physically, but gone emotionally. I am grateful for the forgiving nature of children. I feel like I have to apologize everyday to my kids for being gone. They are just glad to have me back. I feel like the light is back in their eyes and in mine too. I can't believe how amazing they are and so CUTE! I love the way they smell and the way it feels to kiss their cheeks. I love watching everything they do. My sweet husband who probably took the hardest blow has never left my side and when I came to him and apologized he wrapped his arms around me and told me he was glad I was back. I am too.

I fear that maybe this is too soon to share, maybe I will relapse, but I'm hoping that by writing this I can see the signs again and maybe help someone else who is feeling the same way. We are here to help each other. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. That's life. That's what friends are all about to help us get through all of the hard stuff along with the good. So there you have it. My uphill battle! I'm excited to keep on going!

My "Little Bud" turned 2 today...I had to share his picture!

The Mom before Christmas

THE MOM BEFORE CHRISTMAS


Twas the night before Christmas,
when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring,
and she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping,
all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo and Barbie,
flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring
in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle
propped on his knee.

So only the mom heard
the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh,
"Now what is the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush
still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs,
and saw the old man.

He was covered with soot,
which fell when he shrugged,
"Oh great," muttered the mom,
"Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa,
"I'm glad you're awake."
"your gift was especially
difficult to make."

"Thanks, Santa, but all I want
is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled,
"So, I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she muttered,
"What good is that?"
"Run along, Santa,
I've no time to chat."

Then out walked the clone -
Her identical twin,
The same hair, the same eyes,
the same double chin.

"She'll cook, she'll dust,
she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy,
and she'll do the rest.

"Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
"My dream has come true!"
"I'll shop, I'll read,
I'll sleep a night through!"

From the room above,
the youngest did fret.
"Mommy! Come quickly,
I'm scared and I'm wet."

The clone replied,
"I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled,
"She sure knows her part."

The clone changed the small one
and hummed her tune,
as she bundled the child
in a blanket cocoon.

"You're the best mommy ever.
I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed,
"And I love you, too."

The mom frowned and said,
"Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's LOVE
she is trying to steal."

Smiling wisely Santa said,
"To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother
is needed here."

The mom kissed her child
and tucked her in bed.
"Thank You, Santa,
for clearing my head.

I sometimes forget,
it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old
for my cradle and song."

The clock on the mantle
began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone,
"It works every time."

With the clone by his side
Santa said "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom,
You will be all right."

~Author Unknown~

Our Innocent Children

Today we went to get some work done on our car and while waiting a few things happened that made me think about how innocent and pure hearted our children are in spite of such a dangerous world.

Well, as you know auto shops are not the cleanest places and Avery was playing with the water fountain which is disgustingly full of germs. I made her sanitize her hands twice. People probably thought I was crazy, but it is flu season.

Then a very nice young mom with her 16 month old son was being very nice to Avery and letting her play with her son's toys (probably because Avery zeroed in on them as soon as she saw them and was acting like they were olds friends.) But then this young mom takes her son for a walk and Avery wants to go too...I said no and explain that she is really nice but we don't know her. Which didn't go over well.

Then a nice man gave Avery a pen and paper to draw and he played with her which helped the crying but I couldn't help but think...who is this guy and I hope he's not a predator getting his gee lees off my little girl. I know I may be a little paranoid at this point, but that is what I seriously thought to myself.

But, then another man gives Avery a package of crackers as we are leaving. She of course wants them but I had to take them away because everyone knows you never take candy(food) from a stranger.

I don't think I am crazy at all, I am just watching out for one of my babies. Right? I think so.

Anyways, back to my point... at the tender age of three, children have no idea what kidnapping, predators, or poisoned food is and how are we suppose to explain something like that to them? I explained why Avery couldn't do the things I had said no to but I am not sure she got the point or will remember next time. SCARY!