My postpartum story. A few days ago something in my brain just clicked. A light turned on and I realized that something else had been intoxicating my brain for the last 20 months since my second son's birth. It wasn't something that I ever thought twice about. I just thought I was unhappy about my circumstances, but when I sat and thought about my life I couldn't really figure out what those circumstances were. Everything was exactly the way I thought it should be. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys, a home, the opportunity to be home with my kids everyday, everything I have always wanted. But, I couldn't feel anything anymore. Something had muted my senses. I was numb. Numb to my kids, my husband, my family, my friends, even my faith. My testimony was struggling. I knew my prayers were being answered because I could see the results, but I didn't feel the promptings anymore. I just didn't feel anything. I was absolutely exhausted all of the time, irritable, achy, I couldn't sleep, I felt completely inadequate and worthless, rejected, I couldn't get excited about anything, I started thinking about things in the past and friends that I have had and wondered if they were only my friends because they felt sorry for me or they had to be. I didn't feel like anything I had was real or had ever been real. It was all just people around me trying to be nice and tell me that they liked me. An act. My life felt like a big joke. I would tell people how exhausted I was and they would always reply, of course you are, you are running after two boys. I would politely agree but I knew that that couldn't be the only reason for my lack of energy. I knew I loved my kids but I didn't always like to be around them. That is a really hard thing for me to admit. I feel like I have betrayed them in some way. I had read up on postpartum depression many times. I had a slight case of it after Jacob was born, but it went away quickly, within a few weeks. I have never suffered from depression so I didn't even considered it being a problem for me. It sort of snuck up on me. Once it did it spiraled out of control. As time went on it seemed to get worse rather than better. I cared for my kids, I've never hurt them or have thought I would, but sometimes I just wanted everything to go away. I never told anyone how I really felt. I didn't quite know how to put it into words and didn't think anyone would believe me anyway. I just wanted to hide.
I realize now that I wasn't trying to get away from my family but myself and my feelings (or lack of them). I wish that something would have triggered my brain to remember all that I had read concerning postpartum and it's symptoms. I always felt like the first thing I needed to ask a new mom was how she was feeling - to make sure that she was okay. Here I was suffering and I didn't even realize it. I thought it had been too long to still be considered that. It's an interesting thing to realize that you have been 'gone' for awhile. I wouldn't call it an out of body experience, but I feel like I have missed a lot of things that I could have been really enjoying. I may have been there physically, but gone emotionally. I am grateful for the forgiving nature of children. I feel like I have to apologize everyday to my kids for being gone. They are just glad to have me back. I feel like the light is back in their eyes and in mine too. I can't believe how amazing they are and so CUTE! I love the way they smell and the way it feels to kiss their cheeks. I love watching everything they do. My sweet husband who probably took the hardest blow has never left my side and when I came to him and apologized he wrapped his arms around me and told me he was glad I was back. I am too.
I fear that maybe this is too soon to share, maybe I will relapse, but I'm hoping that by writing this I can see the signs again and maybe help someone else who is feeling the same way. We are here to help each other. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. That's life. That's what friends are all about to help us get through all of the hard stuff along with the good. So there you have it. My uphill battle! I'm excited to keep on going!
The Six "Be's"- Gordon B. Hinckley
Sunday, December 9, 2007
My struggle...
Posted by S. Gibson at 7:45 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Oh, Sara...I love you to death!! We have had many conversations about this and my struggles after Adyson. I wish I had talked more with you about yours. You have hid your feelings well, I really feel for you right now and I hope you are in the clear for good. I am glad you are enjoying being a mom and wife again. I think since being a mom is a gift and calling from God it is natural to struggle spiritually when it comes to the family.
When you talked about the light coming on in yours and your children's eyes that is exactly how I felt with Adyson...I hate to also admit this but I did not enjoy her for the first few months...I don't think she even saw me smile till just recently. I was almost like a robot taking care of her needs. And hiding was exactly what I wanted to do too. I was no me.
I still have some trouble really enjoying it. I am not sure if it's a little depression or me just trying to find my 'place' still, or maybe it's excepting all my flaws and strengths as they are. It is a constant struggle. I just don't feel like a good mom...I try to tell myself I am but I just don't believe it and I should because you don't have to be a perfect mom to be a good mom. That is hard for me to except at the time. I feel very sad and awful when I make mistakes. But, you are right that is life and I need to accept it and be happy about it.
I love you, Sara!!
Sara- you don't know how much that means to me, hearing (rather reading) what you wrote. Outside of Bryan and one other friend, I'm admitting here that I am still feeling all the things you wrote, and even worse! I struggle every day with this. I've never had another friend describe exactly what you wrote, which is excactly how feel.
Bryan is so wonderful, because he's been sticking by my side with this. It's been so horrible having to describe to him how I feel, because how I feel is not really me. I feel like the real "me" is lost.
I hope that something in my brain clicks soon for me, because this is driving me crazy!
I love you Sara! You are someone that I look up to and I don't know what I'd do without our friendship! Thank you for writting what you did. That gives me so much strength and makes me feel a bit better knowing one of my dear friends has gone through exactly what I am still struggling with.
I love you Sara! You've always been a wonderful mother, wife and friend!
...and this is why I started this blog...I love each of you so much, and it breaks my heart to read these things, but I also feel a huge relief. I finally saw a therapist last week, and thought that I could just quit taking my Zoloft because she didn't feel I was that bad to need medication. Well, I realized pretty quickly she was so wrong. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next month, and I think I have decided to stop nursing so that I can take something that will work better while I work through all of my issues. I don't think this is the way Heavenly Father intended young mothers to feel, so why do we all feel like this? Since we have opened ourselves back up again on the blog, I want to closely monitor it, and if at anytime I feel our feelings are being thrown around like before, we will just email amongst ourselves. I definitely do not want to drag Sara back down to our level, but we can definitely use some help on getting back to where you are! I love each one of you so much. I am so lucky to have friends like you that understand why I cannot seem to talk to anyone...ever...but know that I hope one day we can all spend hours together on our front porches watching our children play together outside (how 'bout that...I am about to cry!) :)
I love you guys too. Every single one of you has helped me to get through some dark days. I am grateful to have your friendships in my life! Mary, I am so glad that you are starting to feel better. I love what you said about not having to be perfect to be a good mother. That is really true, we definitely expect a lot out of ourselves. You are a wonderful mother. All of you are. Katie you are such a strong person. I would have never known that you are struggling with this too. I hope you now know you can talk to me or any of us about how you are feeling, even when you can't put it into words. It seems like we are all feeling the same type of things. Alisa I am proud of you for going to a therapist. That is such a huge step! I would love to hear what they had to say, I had thought about it several times, but always chickened out. I love you girls. Thanks for being my friends!
I think all of you are wonderful mothers! It seems like so many of us feel inadequate and sad so often, yet we all think we're the only ones who feel that way. I really appreciate it, Sara, that you were willing to share your experience. This blog is such a wonderful place for everyone to share how they feel and realize that they are not alone. There are days when I feel dead inside, but then other days where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think feeling guilty about not being the perfect mother is what gets me down. I hope that we can all continue to share our feelings in a safe, non-judgmental environment and continue to help each other.
I'm sitting here balling my eyes out right now. I love you all so much! Thank you for the things you guys have said here. It has helped me and it brings me some relief to know that I'm not the only one who deals w/ this and that someone else can relate. I wish no one else could relate to me, but it helps me know that I'm not alone. Alisa, I'm happy for you that you're going and seeking help. I'm going to be doing the same thing once we get some real insurance, which is at the beg. of the year. Please let me know how it goes. I've barely scratch the surface of my issues. Sara, I will call you! Thank you so much!!
Post a Comment