Another little problem we are having these days are these four words coming out of Avery's mouth. "I don't love you." They are about 99.9% of the time directed at me. Pretty much anytime she gets into trouble or does not like something that is what she tells me. I remember a friend telling me about her daughter doing this exact thing, Avery was an infant at the time. Gosh, I remember thinking her daughter was so cute and funny. She told me "just wait till it's you." Man, was she RIGHT! It may seem funny and cute but it really sucks hearing it everyday and many times a day. I usually just reply "I am sorry you feel that way, I love you a lot." You would think that would change her attitude but nope usually she just tells me "Well, I don't love you." or better yet she will then add she only loves her Dad. (Daddy's girl) Jess and I have both talked to her together and individually about how saying things of this sort makes people feel sad and hurt. No luck thus far. Early this week I really was at the end of my rope with it. Trying to cook, having an 'ink incident' in full force, after asked Avery numerous times to please put the stamps and ink away, and those four words coming out of her mouth threw me right off my ledge. I was so mad..."Stop telling me that every time you don't like something I do and go sit in time out right now!" **SIGH** I wish I could cut those words right out of her vocabulary...
The Six "Be's"- Gordon B. Hinckley
Friday, November 7, 2008
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3 comments:
This has definately made me think. I've been trying to prick Gabriel's conscience by suggesting that he doesn't love me because he doesn't do what I ask him to. The idea being that his love for me would motivate him to be better. Maybe I shouldn't put as much emphasis on this. How did your friend deal with/resolve it?
Tye says "I hate..." he never finishes it with you, but I am sure that is what he means. The strange thing is, that we don't really say that word, and I said it in the middle of a conversation about some inanimate object and he heard that (and only that) and was quick to say that it was a mean word and don't say it. So he knows, but does it anyway. Yeah, see if you can ask your friend if they ever worked out a solution.
That is hard to hear coming from your own child. My kids will say things like that to me, and I just have to remind myself that it is 'noise'. They always say it when they are frustrated about having to do something (or not do something) and it is always directed at me. They don't mean it. Kids don't know how to filter their emotions. When they are angry, they will say the thing they know will get the best reaction from you. When it is time to clean up, they think you are being mean so they say something mean back. I think overemphasizing it may show them that their tactic is working. They pick up on that. Think of it as a tantrum. Focus more on how she is really feeling - 'I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated, angry, sad, annoyed, etc, but it's time to put the markers away because we are getting ready to eat dinner'. Don't focus to much on the words she says. Try to ignore it, just like you would a tantrum. She knows how much you love her and she loves you more than she could ever tell you. I think it's good to talk about it after the bad feelings go away. When you are tucking her into bed or something. Ask her how it made her feel when she had to put the markers away and didn't want to. Let her know that even when she is mad (or whatever emotions she tells you) that it is not okay to say those words in your family. That is not the way to tell mom that you are angry. Let her know that you love her and that in your family you only say nice things to each other. When you are angry you need to tell mom that you are feeling angry. Saying "I don't love you" is not the right way to tell me that you are angry. Have her apologize to you. Let her know that it's okay to feel upset, but not okay to say those words, they hurt your feelings. If I hear you say you don't love mommy or daddy or Ady you will.... and set up a punishment specifically for when she says it again. Tell her she is in time out because she said those words, not because she is upset about putting the markers away. See if that works. I do this with Jacob and it really has worked pretty well, he still has his moments, but they are a lot less often. He is a lot better about expressing his emotions and now says things like, "Grrrrr, I am so MAAAAAAD" with his arms completely stiff against his body. I'm hoping it will help him as he gets older to express himself a little better. Good luck.
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