I have been recently struggling with feeling guilt. It has been a pretty vicious cycle and I feel like the car that has spun its tires in the mud so much that now it doesn't matter whether you're in drive or reverse--the tires will spin and the only thing you'll accomplish is sinking further in the trench! The first pressure is church. Yes, church.....and it shouldn't be! I know in my heart a loving Heavenly Father did not lay out guidelines to make us feel inadequate, pressured, and miserable. I know that we are supposed to serve within our capacity and I think that my problem is defining exactly what my capacity is.
Here is my situation now--I moved my grandmother (who is 90 years old) from Idaho to Burleson to give my sister who has been caring for her a break. She is in a minimal care "retirement community" so I have to go at least 3 times a week to make sure she has changed clothes, bathed, is eating, etc. and do those things for her if she hasn't. She is incapable of managing her finances so I also have to run around town to make sure all her bills are paid (pharmacy for medication and diapers, doctors, cable, phone, rent, beautician). This eats up a lot more time than I had initially supposed but I do like the opportunity to care for her. My kids are very involved in helping with this task and they have developed a love for elderly folks which I think is priceless.
I also work part-time in the evenings. I work at Sylvan tutoring kids and have just recently started branching out and tutoring privately. I love this too because most of the kids I teach think they are stupid or incapable of being successful at anything and I really enjoy proving them wrong. However.......MY kids have started resisting when it is time for me to go (there is a 1 hour lag with a sitter between my leaving and Bart coming home). So I feel guilty if I go to work leaving my kids upset, and if I stay with them I feel guilty because I'm letting down the kids I'm supposed to be teaching. Plus I feel guilty for "working" at all when I should be a "SAHM", then I feel guilty for beating myself up over it because the only time my kids are without a parent caring for them is one freaking hour a day!
Next......the never-ending "members are missionaries" challenge. I volunteered our home so the missionaries could hold discussions for a single mom with two kids by two different fathers who has had quite a run with life. This was fine but then she hit me up for some babysitting for her 3 year old (who has issues due to her very unstable short life). This has ultimately progressed to 12 hour days while she goes to work and school on alternate days. Oh--and did I mention I do this all FOR FREE!!!!! I'm starting to feel a little trodden on and like this mom just expects church members to do this for her. She constantly gripes about her finances (which I realize ARE in bad shape), but by the same token we are bouncing back from just coming out of school, being on the bottom rung of the corporate ladder, and having student payment loans that are more than twice the mortgage on the house we are living in! So after I am done feeling guilty about mentally accusing her of taking advantage of me, I feel guilty about being a pushover, which leads to feeling guilty about spending less time with my kids, which leads me to feeling guilty about whether I have taken on too much, which makes me feel guilty of being a whimp who needs to just suck it up and endure! There is no winning!
So here I sit with all my guilt......if I work and try to help ease Bart's burden of keeping up with providing for our family, I feel guilty that by doing so I am falling short on my part of the work in being there for our kids. But if I quit working and sit by watching Bart struggle to keep up with everything I feel guilty that I'm not being a help and support to my husband who should be my first priority next to God. If I refuse to help out a single mother with needs, I feel guilty that I am passing up the chance to serve in the kingdom and make a difference in someone else's life by "easing one another's burdens". Yet when I help her, I feel guilty when I am exhausted and using up my patience much quicker and being ugly with my own kids. Not to mention feeling resentful that I am not independently wealthy and have always paid a sitter to tend my kids when I go to work and earn money, AND that if I'm going to spend that kind of energy I should at least be getting a benefit for myself out of it like being paid. Then I feel guilty for being so self centered and wanting to get something for myself out of serving.
So anyway......as I sit venting ABOUT feeling guilty while I feel guilty about sitting here instead of cleaning my dirty kitchen or getting dressed for the day, I'd like to know how all of you get through your busy days and lives and feel peaceful about what you do! I think you are all such wonderful moms and I miss seeing all of you more than you know!
The Six "Be's"- Gordon B. Hinckley
Friday, April 4, 2008
And The Guilty Party IS.........
Posted by Bingham Bunch at 7:17 AM
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7 comments:
Ok, we don't know each other but I know exactly what you're going through! I feel there is an extra dose of guilt for good members. We feel we are supposed to do everything perfectly and never think of ourselves and be happy about it because we have the gospel and should be the happiest people on earth. After my experience with this kind of profound guilt, I learned a few things. My Heavenly Father loves me. He's not just interested in what I can do for everyone around me, He actually loves me too! He gave us our minds, bodies, life and He built within us certain things designed to help us. One of those things is guilt. That overwhelmed feeling that you're having is your body's alarm system going off. It's trying to tell you you're doing too much and you need to find balance in your life. You can't take care of everyone around you if you aren't taking care of yourself first. Without the strongest, best you, there's not much left to give. Take a hard look at your life and ask yourself if you're doing the best thing for yourself and for your family. No one can tell you what the right way to deal with this stuff is. You already know. That other very special gift from Heavenly Father is already telling you. Listen to the Spirit. It's ok to do what's best for you and your family. Something's got to give. You can care for others without letting their problems become your problems. You can be an example, you can listen, you can love. You don't have to spend 12 hours a day trying to be the solution to someone else's problem while neglecting your own family's best interests. Set appropriate limits and do what you feel is appropriate for you, share the chance to serve others with the other ladies in your area. If you don't listen to this warning signal, things may get worse. For me, I gave so much of me away that I was almost completely lost. I went from feeling guilty all the time and miserable to feeling deeply depressed and worthless. That's a hard place to come back from. After 7 years of practice since then, I have learned that taking care of myself helps me take care of the loved ones in my life. The great part. . . there's still some of me left over to serve others too. Hope this helps!
Hi Andrea, I think what Klevrkris said was right on the money. You have simply stretched too thin. You are serving in so many ways and they are all good things but it just is too much for one women. You are a wonderfully caring person and wonderful mother and wife. You said your first priority after God was your husband, I'll go ahead and add the whole family with him, that's your PRIORITY.
Pray for strength, peace, and to feel your saviors love. You will receive all those things you ask from him.
And, give up one of those many serving opportunities to someone else. You will STILL BE richly blessed and loved by your father in heaven.
I also believe the guilt will go away. Because you will be the women, mother, wife, and saint you need and are wanting to be. (again)
LOVE YA!!
I just want to say I LOVE YOU and sending lots of hugs!! I agree with what has already been said. I have finally learned that it's okay to say NO. You need to say NO. You're not doing anyone any good, espeically yourself or your family by doing so much. While it's nice to help this lady/sister out, you need to tell her no. It's nice to help her out every now and then, but it's also okay to tell her you can't do it. I'm not at all trying to sound mean. I know how you feel. If you can, maybe you can work less at tutoring. I'm totally just throwing ideas out. The best thing to do is to pray about it. You'll find answers! Remember, don't feel quilty about saying no and putting your family first! That's the most important thing.
Hello, Andrea.
You don't know me. I am Julie's mother. I was once where you are now...trying to do everything for everybody. Trust me, it is not necessary and definately not worth it. In the end, your family will suffer. It sounds like this gal is just taking advantage of your kindness. If she needs to drop off her kids and if you really want to have them in your home, tell her you can watch them for a couple of hours on occasion, but after that you will have to charge her for babysitting. I bet she quickly finds another solution for her child care problems. And is she really interested in joining the church or is this someone who has simply discovered another system to manipulate? Good Luck!
Sorry that I got your name wrong.I was looking at Mary's greeting.Have a great day!
Anyone up for a trip to visit Andrea?!? I think that would be so much fun! First, though...STOP THE BABYSITTING. This, I am sure, is easier said than done, but must stop. That is absolutely selfish and ridiculous on her part. If you feel uncomfortable, maybe talk to Bart, or someone who can help you tell her. Next, never let the church make you feel that way. If it gets to that point, you need to re-evaluate callings etc, and focus on your family. Your main focus right now is your family, and if that means someone else needs to open their house, then so-be-it. Missionary work for moms, I believe, starts in the home. It is great if you can have outside experiences, but think of the missionary work that will happen from your beautiful children in the years to come. Last, you are such a great example to us all! We love you and are here for you! Hang in there! (AND GET RID OF THE CRAZY LADY...who I am sure is very nice, but, come on, this is not ok any way you look at it!)
Wow, definitely some great advice has been given! Andrea, you are such a wonderful caring person, and always so willing to help even when you are soooo busy yourself, but I agree that enough is enough. I would hate for you to be so spread thin, which looks like is what is happening fast, that you forget yourself. Listening to everything that you are doing makes me feel a little guilty that I'm not doing anything :)! You definitely need to drop something and the first thing to go is definitely the free babysitting job. Definitely. I would tell that investigator that it's been fun being able to get to know her baby, but you can only help her until next week. Give her a deadline and stick by it. You need to think about yourself. I am a firm believer in family first, which you are absolutely wonderful at, but sometimes in the church we have to be willing to speak our minds or we can get walked all over. Don’t feel guilty about it, let it go. You are still putting all of your time and effort into what’s important, your family, including your grandmother.
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