i am a recovering anorexic/bulimic. all day long all i think about is how fat i look. when i eat in public i just know people are looking at me and thinking "she should stop eating, fat slob." when i look in the mirror i see a 400 lb girl in the when i am only 150 lbs. when i got married i wore a size 3. now i wear a size 10 and can't stand to be me. when i make love with my husband i feel like he thinks about me when i was skinny or just doesn't think about me at all to get the job done, although he tells me over and over how wonderful and beautiful i am. i feel like my friends lie to me when they tell me i am beautiful. i have two beautiful children who i know are worth it all but i am afraid that they will be embarrased by the way i look. i have a daughter that i do not want to doom with this horrible fate and i don't know how to help her when i cannot even help myself. i have friends who ask how i am so normal coming from such a crazy family (literally) but they have no idea the thoughts that go on in my head. i want to be normal, in my thoughts, but i don't know how. i know this seems intense but it is me, the me i don't want to be. i want to see myself the way everyone else says they see me.
The Six "Be's"- Gordon B. Hinckley
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
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6 comments:
I have actually been thinking about my perception about my body and how I look. (I know this probably seems trivial compared to what you are/have experienced)... I have noticed that for some weird reason my brain works like this...
When I actually work-out or am active I feel better about my body. Even though nothing has changed about it. Even after just a few work outs.
When I am lazy and do no physical activity, which is my norm. I look at my self, usually my back end and think how awful and fat I look.
Weird perception. Physical activities really help me with my feelings and perception of myself.
I am sorry I know this won't help the way you are feeling...All I can add is NO ONE is lying when they tell you you are beautiful, because you are, even though we have only met once, I know this is true.
LDS family services can provide discrete, free talk therapy that can help you to retrain your thought patterns. They can help you turn your inner voice from a critical, negative one to a positive, supportive one. It's a beautiful experience. Heavenly Father knew that today's battles with Satan would be more mental than physical, that's why the inspired organization of this church included counciling services. Go to your bishop and be clear about your desire for help and your absolute knowledge that you can't do it without counciling. It's hard to be so honest with other people about what's going on in your head but they are there to help. It's well worth the effort in the end. There are also some excellent books I can recommend. They were very helpful to me in my own journey. "The Sun is Always Shining" is written by an LDS psychologist who teaches us that these negative thoughts and feelings are our bodies warning us that there isn't enough balance in our thoughts. He helps us find the ability to live in the moment, let go of the past and stop worrying about the future. I hope you find peace in your journey and never never never give up hope! You are loved by those around you. Don't project your own negative criticism of yourself onto them and call the liars in your mind when they tell you how they feel. You can't read their minds. You have to trust their words. Your Heavenly Father loves you and wants you to be happy and He wants you to love yourself. Love yourself and your family enough to do the hard work of changing your inner voice from negative to positive. I know you can do it. You sound strong and ready for this work. Be well and good luck.
What a brave post to open up like this! I can tell you that you are on your way to helping yourself when at least you can talk about it. I agree with therapy being a super thing if you can find a good therapist who you connect with. These things are very real and it takes a lot of strength to try and alter your mindset. I have a sister who is anorexic and I am and have been in therapy to work out my misperceptions about myself. I never had an eating disorder but I was a cutter and self-mutilator for years. I also battle with suicide thoughts and have even come close to succeeding in one of my attempts twelve years ago. It was helpful for me to counsel with someone and discover the roots for taking such drastic measures for control over myself and my life. I have learned to view my life as a curio-cabinet full of lots of trinkets. Suicide may be one of those trinkets in my cabinet but I can choose to leave that trinket alone and grab another. I don't know if I make any sense but be kind to yourself and take things one moment, hour, day at a time. Take as long as you need and take small steps that you are comfortable with to go the direction you want to. Don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you that you are out of your tree for feeling like you do. You are definitely not alone in your desire to move in another direction from where you have been. Take care and lots of love and support your way!
I have been thinking about what to say since I first read your post yesterday. I really like what everyone else has said, and I completely agree. I have not dealt with this particular issue, however, I think that when I see myself as a less than perfect mother, I can fall into the same type of depressing feelings. I think somehow we do have to shut out what Satan keeps putting into our heads. We are beautiful daughters of God, and we are as beautiful as we feel. I think it is impossible to be ugly with the true light of Christ, so as long as you stay true to your values, you will be beautiful. I wish you well in dealing with this. I hope we have offered some comforting thoughts to help you through this difficult time.
I've not read what anyone else left as a comment yet, because I wanted to just say what I feel. For one, I totally admire you for talking about this. I'm feeling the same exact way about myself right now. I hate it! It totally effects my relationship w/ my husband too. You are a beautiful person! I'm not lying when I say that. Satan knows how to work on us. If we're feeling this way about ourselves, it effects everything around us, including our families!! I've never met your hubby, but I'm willing to bet you sees you as the most beautiful women! You are the mother of his children and his eternal companion.
I know we all have different struggles and some are worse than others, but I'm sure either we're all feeling this now or have at some point. It's hard!
This will sound like a primary answer, but praying to over come these feelings will help (like I'm one to talk, I should listen to my own advice).
You're already stronger than you think you are, because you're talking about it!!
I have not read this book but thought it may be relavent to this topic...it's called Finding the Angel Within: Spirituality, Body Image and Self-Worth by Pamela H. Hansen. I saw it on Deseret Books website under New Releases.
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