Does anyone else ever feel like hiding from the world? Knowing you are the one hiding but feeling like you are just alone. Like it's because you are alone that's why your not doing anything. You don't want to answer your phone, leave the house, or do ANYTHING!! Nothing.
An out of body experience were you are just not you. Feeling weird. Just can't put you finger on why you feel like you are not there. Together. In one piece. There are two pieces, one doing all the things you have to do to survive. The other watching the other half. Wondering what is going on. How do you pull your self out of...whatever it is. Pulling you down. Making you feel heavy and burdened from some unseen weight.
It's nonsense. Not real. You aren't alone. So why do I feel like I am? I have no new heavy burden to carry. Nothings changed from last month when I was one piece, myself. How do I pull it all back together and feel like me again?
For now I will blame it on hormones. How cursed we are to be moody and crazed women.
The Six "Be's"- Gordon B. Hinckley
Monday, May 5, 2008
Recluse
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7 comments:
Oh, I'm right there with you. I've been feeling like this the last two weeks! I always worry that depression is coming-I sometimes still feel how I did w/ my post pardom depression.
I hate feeling like this! It drives me insane. At least you talk about it on here. That's better than me-I don't say anything to anyone and just deal with it. Maybe I'd get over feeling this way by talking about it.
Maybe our trip on friday will pull us out of feeling this way! I'm so excited!
Sounds like you have depression. I would talk to your doctor about your feelings.
Wow...do I ever know what you are talking about. That is why I am glad we are so understanding of each other, because I know you and Sara and I have each admitted to each other that we sometimes do look at the phone, but for one reason or another, do not feel like answering it. What is ironic, though, is that if we would answer it, we would probably be cheered up, and feel a whole lot better. You have to wonder, if some of us are even inspired to call the other one. Some of those times when I have felt the most alone, and most depressed, Mary or Sara have called, and 9 times out of 10 (maybe 10 out of 10) I have not answered. If I had, who knows, my day could have totally turned around! Sunshine is helping me. I have been spending as much time outdoors as possible. It is going to get hot, soon, but that is when the water hose comes out! It also keeps your house a tiny bit less messy the longer they are outside!
I've felt this way too sometimes. I thought I was the only one who looked at the phone and just thought that I just flat didn't want to talk to anyone. I don't understand it either. I don't feel this way all the time, but enough that it worries me. Lately I've gotten in these really horrible moods where it seems like everything and everybody make me angry for really stupid reasons. Then, afterwards I feel even worse that I was angry over such dumb things. There have been times lately when I just didn't even want to go to church because I just didn't think I could bear to act like everything was just fine. I wonder how many of us walk around and act like we're happy and in reality we're sad and we can't even explain why we're sad. Anyway, I understand how you feel and I hope that it helps to at least you're not alone with these feelings. I have realized lately that the times I am the most moody and depressed are the times where I look back and I haven't read my scriptures or said my prayers in weeks. Then, I start doing those things again and I find that I'm not quite so sad and moody. When I'm reading my scriptures and praying daily it seems like it doesn't make much difference at the time--but if I stop I can really tell that Satan is using my faults and weaknesses to make me feel like a failure as a wife and a mother. Sorry I'm rambling now. It's late and I really should go to bed. Sending hugs your way, Mary.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I tend to cycle in and out of this phase periodically. I'm not sure exactly what the right answer is--I have taken a potpourri of different medications and they help in the sense that it just wipes out emotion but then I feel like a droid. I had a friend here suggest this to me and it actually helps from time to time. I spent one week praying totally "real". So.....I would disappear off to my favorite hiding spot and pray about how I really didn't feel like praying, really didn't have time to read scriptures, felt like a pawn in a game that I had no control over, was being run over by 5 kids, 1 husband, and the primary presidency. Then after a whole bunch of that it was suggested to me to do nothing but communicate to God what I am thankful for even if it was just that after this prayer I am grateful to get to go to bed! I'm still working on it, but I have started to feel like someone beyond is aware of my challenges. I was so tired one week that I said a prayer and declared I was going to quit going to our ward so I could have a break and if that was not what He wanted I demanded to know why not. Within the next 15 minutes I got 9 phone calls from every single parent in my CTR 5 class expressing gratitude for my efforts to teach their kids. I decided church was not what needed given up. Anyway, talk to God and don't make it phony and flowery. He understands all of us and He will help you.....even if it means prompting one of us other stressed out, phone ignoring, bum-wiping, boob-sagging, pajama clad, anti-depressant popping sisters. I think you are a beautiful treasure, Mary, and I am constantly inspired by you, your words, and your life!
Oh Mary! I love you. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I too know what that feels like. It's interesting that you say you feel like you are just watching yourself 'do' everything. That is a perfect way to describe it. For me it's like a HUGE disconnect. I was reading a quote that we had jotted down in church that said, "wherever you are, be there". So often I know that I am not all there and I feel so guilty, but I almost don't know what to do exactly to feel that sincere desire to be there. I don't really know what triggers it, or why it happens, but it does. It's not always like that, some days I am completely aware of how I'm feeling and that I've been absent and other days I feel like I'm on autopilot. I loved reading everyone's comments and advice. Sometimes just knowing you aren't alone helps a little. I love you.
We all need to take time for nurturing ourselves. It's normal to cycle through feelings. We can't always be happy, that's not normal at all! The important thing is to keep things in perspective, keep balance in our lives and not let the negative get bigger and stronger than the positive. Sometimes when others call us, we don't have to answer and that's ok. Next time ask yourselves if your Heavenly Father isn't answering your need for help with that low feeling by inspiring a friend to reach out to you. Ultimately the cycle comes back around and we feel a bit more normal but we shouldn't ignore those low times and be sure we address any root cause that may continue to haunt us if we don't address it. Be well and happy!
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