Ok, so we all know that being a mom is the hardest "job" on the planet. I am trying to decide if I want to add to that stress, and balance career outside the home. Or, looking at it from the perspective that I would rather look at it, give myself a "break" from the stresses at home. I have done both. I had a full-time retail job until my son was 14 months old, and I was also 6 months pregnant with my daughter. I had the luxury of being able to take my son to his grandma's daycare, which made it just a little easier. Every day I wanted to quit and spend more time with him. But, now that I have been home for 2 years, I have come to the realization that staying home is really difficult on me and my emotional/ mental health. On the other hand, I keep thinking that trying to balance the 2 would just be that much harder. So, how many of you work outside the home, also, and think it makes you a better mom? How many of you work outside the home and hate it? How many wish they could work outside the home?
I know this blog has a lot of readers...so I would like to hear from everyone!! Please!! I need help!
The Six "Be's"- Gordon B. Hinckley
Monday, June 29, 2009
Going back to Work
Posted by Alisa at 12:36 PM
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12 comments:
Alisa, I work outside the home about 10 hrs. a week. Then, I also work inside the home with freelance writing.
I've also been a stay-at-home mom and also a strictly work-from-home mom.
Here's my opinion:
There is NO right answer. Somedays, I cry when I go to work because all I want to do is stay home with Gabi. In my mind, I think that, if I were at home, the house would be perfectly clean, Gabi and I would play all day, go to the park, have mommy play-dates, etc. But, in reality, I know that not everyday is like that. Some days aren't so productive. Some days are "pajama" days.
Other times, I can't wait to go to work. I love contributing to my family - however small. I love that personal gratification that comes from doing a job well. (Let's face it, Moms don't get a lot of appreciation.) I love associating with my peers and having adult conversations. And, I love focusing on a task for a period of time without getting interupted a million times. Sometimes, I do feel that, the energy I gain at work, DOES make me a better mom.
So, long story short, you might benefit from having a job outside the home. But, don't expect you not to miss those days at home with your kids. You will miss them. The question is, for the most part, what would most appeal to you? Everyone's different!
I also meant to say that, it's important, if you do get a job, to get one that will enrich your life, not make it more stressful. Do something you enjoy, with people you like, and with hours that best fit your schedule. Don't do it if it will only stress you out more.
I don't work outside the home currently, but some things I would consider based on experiences of my friends who do:
1. consider the cost of day care. It can be very expensive and if you deduct that from your paycheck, you may not really be earning that much.
2. While it will be a nice break from your kids, you will also miss them. It is hard to find good paying part time jobs, but if you can that seems like the closest you can get to the best of both worlds.
3. I have 2 friends that personally either witnessed or experienced abuse in day care. If you want more details, I will let you know their stories. Be VERY VERY careful who you leave your kids with. Even the ones that are approved by the state are not always good because it is hard to shut down a day care or fire workers even if the parents are complaining. (this is coming from my friend whose job it is to make sure day cares are up to standards)
The only way I would do it is if they were with family, or there are some sisters in my church wanting to watch kids. I get really stressed out at home, so we wouldn't care if all of it went to child care. But, I think when I actually see my whole paycheck gone, it may be a dif story.
I have the ability to work outside the home 2 days a week as a part time dental hygienist. I had that job full-time before I had my son. I decided to cut back when he was born so that I could stay home with him. I love being at home with him, but also feel like I love it so much because I get an occasional break from him. I don't know if I justify being away from him or not, but for now it works for us. My sister-in-law watches him for me and I do pay her, so both parties benefit. Like Holli, some days are productive, some are fun and some days I just want to pull my hair out. I love what I do professionally, so for me that makes a big difference. In the summer time I may work a little more, because my husband is a school teacher and he can watch our son if I can work more. I would try to find the balance, but I say you are better off getting/keeping yourself sane and working a few days a week than staying home full time and causing an eventual breakdown. Let it be a decision between you and your husband. Does your hubby have an opinion?
Ultimately, this is a decision that only you and Michael can make. But you are doing the right thing by first gathering all the advice you can from others. There are several different options. You can continue staying home, you can work a couple of days a week, you can work full-time, or you could even hire someone you trust to keep Tye and Kenadie a couple of days a week while you go out and have some down-time to de-stress. In order to make a decision of this magnitude, I think it's important you and Michael pray and fast about it together. Then, take your decision to Heavenly Father. If you feel good about it and receive confirmation from Heavenly Father that it's the right decision, then go for it. I know from personal experience that once you receive that confirmation, you will not have to worry about feeling guilty or having others try to make you feel guilty. You will know that your decision was acceptable to the Lord and that's all that really matters. The Family Proclamation says it best: "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, father and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." Since "other circumstances" is listed with "disability and death", I would say that Heavenly Father wants us to take our responsibilities as mothers very seriously and not delegate this duty to others, unless we first consult Him. Only He knows whether being a stay-at-home mom is detrimental to your mental health. Only He knows what your future holds. Maybe working is the right decision, but only He knows whether that will help you or make your life more difficult. If on the other hand, He wants you to continue staying home, then I firmly believe He will provide a way for it to work and at the same time preserve your mental health. You are His daughter too and He loves you and wants what's best for you. Knowing that, you can trust that He will help you find the right answer for you and your family.
One more thing I forgot to say: Ask for a priesthood blessing. I know I'm bad about forgetting to do that.
Alisa,
I have thought about this numerous times too. Though mine has been more to help bring in money so my husband isn't working the long hours. Being a Stay at Home Mom is far from easy. It's very important and rewarding, but it's also hard and we battle things we never dreamed of being at home. It's hard to juggle everything while battling temper tantrums and everything else. Here's what I feel and think-that there is no right answer. What is right for you, may not be right for someone else. Praying about it and getting blessing will really help you in gaining your answer. You have to do what you feel is right for you!!
I definitely think if you will be happier working and getting a break from your kids, definitely do it.
You can always quit your job or scale back to part time if you change your mind. There's no harm in just giving it a try!
Hi Alisa!
I loved seeing you the other night, and your kids are so cute! My #1 wish is to stay at home with my kids, and I really hate my job, and I whole-heartedly believe that I need to be at home, but I still make the sacrifice to go to work every day. Pros: My children stay with family and make bonds with them, we've never had to worry about money (even with my hubby unemployed the last 8 months), I've never had the feeling that I was sick of my children or that I wish I could get away from them or that they are driving me crazy (I'm not saying that others do), I cherish every single second I get to spend with them, etc. Cons: I have to try hard not to be bitter or jealous when others get to stay at home with their children (which, let's be honest, I just might be the only member of my ward that works full-time out of the house and has 2 kids not in school yet, and it is really fun to hear husbands that make $250k a year bare their testimonys on Sunday about how grateful they are for their wives who have sacrificed their careers to stay at home and raise their children (do people think I like going to work and leaving my babies everyday?)), I don't ever really hang out with any of the others moms at church that do playdates, etc, because I'm at work, and it really makes me sad to even be around them because I wish more than anything that I could stay at home like they do, which is why I'm almost grateful I've been in callings like primary or young womens the last 5 years, I feel like I don't know my kids as well as the people that watch them sometimes, I love to clean/laundry/etc, but I can never find anything in my home because I wasn't able to be the one to clean it/organize it (believe me-I'm grateful for the help/cleaning done by others-which is a pro, too), and I can't help but ask my hubby all the time if he thinks I get to raise my kiddos in heaven to make up for the missed time I have with them, and it's REALLY hard for me to give up time with my kiddos to do anything-girls night out, dates without the kiddos, go to mutual without my kiddos, Bunco, etc, because I feel like I'm getting cheated even more out of time with my kids, and sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself because I've built up a wall to allow myself to go to work everyday without breaking down in tears each time, because I'm typically a happy person. Our family goal has always been for me to stay home, but it's just not the right time for my family. I still want more children, and I hope I get to stop working before Hayden starts kindergarten in a little over a year, because I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep that wall I've built up if Hayden starts school next year and I'm headed to work instead of taking him to school and realize I never got to stay at home with him. All in Heavenly Father's Time.
This is the other side of the coin, and I know you've been on this side before. I think I could be content working just parttime. To be honest, I don't feel any satisfaction being the bread winner or from getting the social aspect of a job (yesterday I was glued to my seat from 7:30-6, talking to noone but clients-most of them rude, never even got a potty break or the chance to get lunch, I was too busy), but I am grateful I get to come home to the most wonderful husband in the world and the two cutest boys that a mother could hope for! In them I find peace, rest, love, and joy, and they make all of the cons I mentioned in the above paragraph seem like a figment of my imagination, because my cup runneth over. Did I mention I'm going to Disney World ;)
All of you moms rock, we are all daughters of God, and I'm grateful we are all unique in our own special ways. Now I get to get ready to take my son to his soccer game and then I get a week's vacation at Utah with my family and my hubby's parents. Vacation time is the pro of my job ;)
alisa
have you thought about putting your kids in a mothers day program once or twice a week? I had a really hard time adjusting to motherhood/SHAM in general. I finally felt it was time for nathan to go into a mothers day out program at 14 months old. I stopped nursing at a year and with sams encouragement we found a program. I know it has really helped me to have those two days a week to give me a break. Of course now I have Genevieve, but I am much better mentally to handle things. It is so hard to find the right balance between SAHM and a working mom. SAHM and working moms don't give themselves enough credit for all that they do. I guess, what I have learned for myself and my family is that I belong at home with my kids. I don't think that I could handle being away everyday, only seeing them when I get home to put them to bed. When Nathan is gone to Kathys I can't wait to go and pick him up! Only you will know what is best for your family and yourself. you are a great momma and it shows in your children. When i am having a crazy day with the kids....i remind myself they wont be little and crazy forever.
Isabell-that was a really great comment you made. All of it!!! I hope you have fun in Utah.
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